The year 2020 was a tough one for most everyone. To put it in words that I never let my children say around me, it sucked. But I made it. In fact, it wasn’t the pandemic at all that had me out of sorts. I actually welcomed another year to stay close to my house and interact with a smaller circle of friends.
After the accident 2½ years ago, I withdrew from many of my
social activities. Much of it was my physical limitations, but my feelings and
emotions also played a huge role. My emotions lie so closely to the surface
that I never know if a situation or seeing a friend might have them erupting
with no warning. I never thought it would take this long to control my tears,
but I have found that grief has no expiration period.
Since I cannot seem to control them, the best thing to do is
hide. Withdraw. Only go out when it’s absolutely necessary, which is counterintuitive
to my personality. It may be obvious now why a pandemic suited my lifestyle
this past year.
But I am a survivor, and I survived another year.
I endured another year of daily physical pain.
I suffered through a complete ankle replacement surgery.
I managed with tears to sign an 10-page document that ended my 30-year
marriage.
I faced and addressed in court the young man that struck Sophia and me.
Yes, this year sucked. But I did survive. I spent way too
many hours reading legal documents, spent more months in physical therapy, but
I also prepared my farm for my son’s wedding. We ended 2020 with the rehearsal
and began 2021 with a beautiful wedding. It was a glorious transition to a new
year!
So, bring it on 2021. I’m ready for a brighter year. I’m
ready to walk without a cane, limp, or using a scooter. I’m ready to climb
stairs like a normal person. I’m ready to have a day without pain. I’m ready to
hike some trails, travel and see more of America.
Maybe this year I can answer more phone calls instead of
letting them go to voice mail. Maybe I can have dinner at someone’s house
without asking for the guest list so I can emotionally prepare myself. Maybe I
can return to my days of volunteering in the community. Maybe this year will be
the year I figure out what God wants me to do with my story.
I do not question God’s sovereignty, but amid this mess, I
would like to have a glimpse of what He is doing. How is he using it or how
will He use it? What more does He want from me? I kept thinking I would know
that answer by now, that I would somehow see His hand in it all. I see Him all
around me and His continued provisions for my life, but I want to know He is
working on some magnificent plan because I desire to do more than just survive. I
would love to thrive in 2021.
Romans 12: 1-2: “Therefore…present your bodies a living and
holy sacrifice, acceptable to God…so that you may prove what the will of God
is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.”
