I Survived 2020

The year 2020 was a tough one for most everyone. To put it in words that I never let my children say around me, it sucked. But I made it. In fact, it wasn’t the pandemic at all that had me out of sorts. I actually welcomed another year to stay close to my house and interact with a smaller circle of friends.

After the accident 2½ years ago, I withdrew from many of my social activities. Much of it was my physical limitations, but my feelings and emotions also played a huge role. My emotions lie so closely to the surface that I never know if a situation or seeing a friend might have them erupting with no warning. I never thought it would take this long to control my tears, but I have found that grief has no expiration period.

Since I cannot seem to control them, the best thing to do is hide. Withdraw. Only go out when it’s absolutely necessary, which is counterintuitive to my personality. It may be obvious now why a pandemic suited my lifestyle this past year.

But I am a survivor, and I survived another year.

I endured another year of daily physical pain.
I suffered through a complete ankle replacement surgery.   
I managed with tears to sign an 10-page document that ended my 30-year marriage.
I faced and addressed in court the young man that struck Sophia and me.

Yes, this year sucked. But I did survive. I spent way too many hours reading legal documents, spent more months in physical therapy, but I also prepared my farm for my son’s wedding. We ended 2020 with the rehearsal and began 2021 with a beautiful wedding. It was a glorious transition to a new year!

So, bring it on 2021. I’m ready for a brighter year. I’m ready to walk without a cane, limp, or using a scooter. I’m ready to climb stairs like a normal person. I’m ready to have a day without pain. I’m ready to hike some trails, travel and see more of America.

Maybe this year I can answer more phone calls instead of letting them go to voice mail. Maybe I can have dinner at someone’s house without asking for the guest list so I can emotionally prepare myself. Maybe I can return to my days of volunteering in the community. Maybe this year will be the year I figure out what God wants me to do with my story.

I do not question God’s sovereignty, but amid this mess, I would like to have a glimpse of what He is doing. How is he using it or how will He use it? What more does He want from me? I kept thinking I would know that answer by now, that I would somehow see His hand in it all. I see Him all around me and His continued provisions for my life, but I want to know He is working on some magnificent plan because I desire to do more than just survive. I would love to thrive in 2021.

Romans 12: 1-2: “Therefore…present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God…so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.”

Another Daughter to Love

From a young age, I always wanted a large family – four children, three boys and one girl, check. I wanted to build a house on our family farm, check; and I wanted to be the first woman governor of Georgia - a title still up for grabs. In all my planning and dreaming of my future, I never knew just how perfectly my first additional daughter would be.

God knew I would thrive better as a mother to multiple boys than several girls. I was more of a tomboy myself, growing up loving camping and the outdoors, and I certainly manage scrapes and cuts better than curls and make-up. Sophia was a complex mix of tomboy meets princess as she could quickly shimmy up a tree with her brothers in a cute dress and pigtails.

While all my children had their share of mishaps, Daniel stretched the job description of being the mother to an adventurous boy. After stitches on his face twice before he was five, and multiple trips to the ER at a young age, I knew to ramp up the prayers for his wife.  If truth be told, I prayed for her almost as much as I prayed for him. The prayers seemed to naturally flow from “keep Daniel safe” to “bless the amazing woman who will marry him one day!”

And wow, did those prayers pay off! While cliff jumping into a lake in the summer of 2016, Megan caught Daniel’s eye, and he has been smitten ever since.

Not only is Megan beautiful, smart, and athletic, she is a motorcycle riding, wilderness camping, attorney for the United States Air Force. And the greatest thing is that she loves Daniel with her whole heart and blends beautifully into the family.

After the death of Sophia, my heart ached – and still does – for those missed opportunities I will never have with her. However, the void has been eased by the things I have done and will be able to do with Megan.

Megan and her mom were so gracious to invite me on the wedding dress hunt around Atlanta. Tears filled my eyes at the beauty that radiated when she tried on the dresses. She had said “yes” to Daniel and would soon be a part of the family. I was determined not to allow what would never be with Sophia to take away from the beautiful day that unfolded.

“Like arrows in the hand of a mighty man; so are the children of youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.” Psalm 127:4-5

Megan can never take the place of Sophia, nor would she try, but her sweet texts warm my heart. It gives me much delight to hear her say, “Mama” in her southern accent when she’s calling for me. Her embrace gives me comfort, and she speaks the words “I love you” to me with sincerity.

My quiver was full when I had my four precious children, I felt like I “misplaced” an arrow, but now my quiver fills as a year ago I gained another daughter to love.

Even If….

The family was all gathered in the waiting room at Vanderbilt hospital awaiting the doctor’s report. The year was 1994, and we were anxious to hear if Daddy came through his lengthy brain surgery intact. Doctors and nurses came to the waiting room to tell families their loved ones were doing well, so I knew immediately something was wrong when our family was called to a back room so the doctor could talk to us.  

There had been some complications and Daddy had a massive stroke during surgery. His entire left side was not responsive, and he would be in the ICU for many days that followed. The doctors informed us over the next week of many issues he had because of vasculitis of the central nervous system. They said he would never walk again, he suffered vision loss, and his memory would be compromised.   

Daddy was later released to the rehab hospital, and after being home for a while, James and I returned to Nashville for a visit. James, just months old, was in his carrier and we took the elevator to the third floor. As the doors slid open, tears immediately flooded my eyes. There was my daddy, the rock of my life, sitting in a wheelchair, down to about 135 pounds. Because of the left-side neglect of his vision, he didn’t see me which was a blessing because I had time to gather my composure before approaching him.  

Those months that followed I prayed hard for healing. I read and prayed healing scripture for him and had faith that God could and would allow him to be totally healed. My dad’s stubbornness paid off and healing did take place, yet not as much as I wanted. He did walk again, but for the next 16 years until his death, he suffered with many medical issues. It was hard for me to rationalize how my high school math teacher and one of the smartest men I knew, now worked out Saxon Math sheets daily to keep his mind as sharp as possible.  

I clung to specific passages that are highlighted in my tattered Bible that still has Lynda Ruth Sumner on the front. Daniel, chapter 3, is the story of when Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were being thrown in the blazing furnace. They proclaimed, “The God we serve is able to save us from it, and He will rescue us from your hand. But even if He does not….” These men of God go on to proclaim they will not serve or worship the gods of King Nebuchadnezzar.   

I never knew how the life trials in my 20s would help sustain me through the death of Sophia. It was months after her funeral that I realized the song “Even If” by Mercy Me, that was sung during her life celebration, was about those same verses that carried me through Daddy’s sickness. 

Here are some of the lyrics to that touching song:  

I know your able and I know you can Save through the fire with your mighty hand But even if you don’t, my hope is you alone.  I know the sorrow and I know the hurt  Would all go away if you just say the word,  But even if you don’t, my hope is you alone. 

I know we are living in life-altering times during this world-wide pandemic, but while we are home with our families, we have the opportunity to instill in them the faithfulness of God.  Parents, teach your children that life is not fair. After all, if it is fair, we would all be destined to eternal hell. Teach them instead to stand on the promises that God will be with us through these trials and difficult times.  

Don’t save your children from conflict, from getting a B in 9th grade, or don't call another parent to work out an issue that teenagers need to navigate. Don’t let them believe God is like Santa Claus just passing out blessings and protecting them from all devastation. Don’t protect your children to the point that when life around them shatters, they don’t have the skills to deal with the hurt, the anguish, and the tears.

  

Life will deal us all a heavy blow, if we live long enough. Let me repeat: Life WILL deal us all a heavy blow. We have to be prepared to handle it and clearing the disappointments from your child’s life doesn’t do him or her any favors. The child needs to develop skills to handle those devastations.   

I wish I could say our family motto is a beautiful Bible verse, but it’s not. It is “Suck it up.” There was not a lot of sugar coating the truth around this house. I always loved them, but I loved them way too much to prop them up on false narratives and empty clichés. If they wanted to succeed, they needed to work hard. If they wanted good grades, I’d help them study, but the result would be because of their hard work, or sometimes lack thereof.  

But these boys – no, men – learned first-hand that life indeed was not fair. Yet, they stood behind their sister’s casket at her funeral, and proclaimed that God is still good while life's situation seemed completely bleak. They knew life was hard, they knew they had to suck it up, but more importantly they knew and know that God's promises are true. God doesn’t rescue us from all our troubles; he holds our hand as we walk through these difficult times together. 

The song continues with   It’s easy to sing  When there’s nothing to bring me down.  What will I say  When I’m held to the flame like I am right now. 

Now, as the fire still smolders around me, I continue to be forged while I proclaim God’s goodness in this life among continuing trials. And I will be forever grateful for a Godly daddy that gave me that example through his own struggles and showed me how to smile when life does not go quite like I planned.