Unanswered Questions

After countless scans and more blood tests than any lab person wants to read, the findings of my injuries – while not great - were actually better than what people scurrying around the ER appeared to fear.  No one would give me a drink because of the possibility of me needing surgery, and oh, how I begged for a Diet Dr. Pepper to somehow quench my thirst and ease my pain.

The ER doctors and nurses tended to me and asked where my worst pain was – it was my left ankle.  I remember forcefully telling the person manipulating it and trying to figure out exactly what was wrong, “I really don’t like you right now.”

The CTs showed I had a talus fracture in my left ankle, a compressed vertebra and multiple transverse process fractures in my back. The right side of my body seemed to take the force of something in the accident and my right hip was already heavily bruised and purple. The blood from my right ear required more than a dozen stitches to bring it back together.

When the great staff at the hospital did their due diligence and realized I did not need immediate surgery, I was able to have my Diet Dr. Pepper. I was in excruciating pain, but there was no internal bleeding and all my internal organs seemed to be functioning as expected.

My fractured talus needed special care, so it was decided I would be transported to Macon on Monday for surgery on Tuesday.  They were gracious to schedule me first thing in the morning so if I was okay, I could come home the same day. Six screws and nine hours later, I remember waking up and knew with the amount of pain I was in, I did not want to go home. I stayed in the hospital one more day and should have stayed longer, but unfortunately, we had to return to bury our daughter.

I was discharged on July 4, and we requested no visitors so we could rest and prepare for visitation the next day. I was sent home with more medicines than I cared – opioids, blood thinners injected through my waist area, and a catheter down my leg of pain meds that was in theory going to keep me out of pain for a few days.

In reality, my pain spiked beyond measure. I was doing fine in the recliner one moment and then less than 30 minutes later I was screaming, “Cut if off, cut it off.” At that point, I did not care if someone cut off the cast or my leg; I just had to have relief. James unwrapped the bandages, cut through the gauze, and cracked the hardened cast to bring relief to what we could only imagine was my ankle swelling beyond the cast itself.

“I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”  Psalm 139:14

Our bodies are incredible and have the ability to protect themselves and heal themselves. It is truly amazing I am still here on this earth after sustaining such a trauma. However, that leaves so many unanswered questions.

If I could sustain being hit, why not Sophia? If God spared me, why didn’t He spare her? God surely had the power to protect me, so why would he allow me to live and Sophia die?  Surely God loves her as much as He loves me. 

Is her life really over? Has she done all that was required of her here on Earth? Why would an 18-year- old girl with so much life and love be struck down in an instance?  Did God not hear my prayers for protection of my children? Does He not care about the heartache we are feeling?

These questions haunt us as we try to understand God’s plan in the midst of our pain. We continue to try to make sense out of it all.  But we can’t. We do not have answers to these questions that roll daily through our minds. Sure, we know all the “Sunday School” answers, but those don’t currently bring comfort to our aching hearts. 

No answers now….at least none that feel right in this mother’s mind.